Are you submitting for the right reasons?: Thoughts on self-esteem in BDSM for submissives — The Ethical Domby the Boi slave
Rough thoughts on self-esteem in submission
I’ve lost count of the amount of guys that contact us with a very generalised fantasy of kidnap and ‘no escape’ TPE. (Not experienced BDSMers, but those that have little to no experience.) They usually want the Boss to turn up at their place in the dead of night, unannounced and abduct them when they least expect it. They then want to be held captive 24/7, preferably in a cage.
For most, it’s just a wank fantasy, one which I completely understand. As a submissive I am open to exploring these darker fantasies that reveal so much about our shadow selves.
But for some, it’s not just a quick fantasy. For some, it’s a seemingly heartfelt desire. A couple of the guys we spoke to truly expected the Boss to arrange this. Not just for a night of role play, but for real. They craved this new reality, this ‘no escape’ model of a Master/slave dynamic. What’s more is that they wanted it immediately. In their minds there was no need for negotiation, no getting to know each other, just immediate imprisonment.
What are you escaping?
My first question is: what are you escaping from? If you’re feeling ‘broken’, if you lack self-worth, if you have come to a point where you feel that you might be unworthy of love, I would urge you to think carefully about your steps into a D/s dynamic.
A Master/slave relationship, any D/s experience can absolutely help people find empowerment, but you need to be coming at it from a place where you’re not doing it to punish yourself.
One way to assess your desire to submit is asking yourself when this happened in relation to what’s going on in your life. Did your desire to submit come before your feelings of low self-worth or after?
My desire to submit, as with most submissives in the community runs far back into my earliest memories. I’ve been broken by life, for sure, but I had the luxury of having been involved in BDSM before a sexual assault knocked me off course. I say luxury, because facing my trauma with knowledge around consent that I had already gained from my community taught me something about my lifestyle that is incredibly valuable: the healing nature of Dominance and submission. However, for a D/s dynamic to facilitate healing, you have to have the right mindset going in. And you need to separate your fantasy from reality.
There’s a common fallacy about submissives that we all lack self-esteem and self-worth. We all apparently desire submission because we feel we’re unworthy. What a crock of shit. I wouldn’t say I have particularly high self-esteem, but neither is it low. It’s balanced. It needs to be balanced. Through this approach, I can better serve my Master. Most Masters will tell you (those that are interested in more than a quick wank, in engaging with the nature of D/s) that they desire a slave to be somewhat self-sufficient as a person. We can explore power in relation to dependency in a Master/slave dynamic, but it’s ultimately a balancing act. As the Boss likes to reiterate to prospective slaves — he doesn’t care for automatons. He wants to explore his Dominance with fully rounded, self-aware people. If he wanted a mindless automaton he may as well just Dominate a mannequin.
Back to that first question. What are you escaping from? If you’re escaping from yourself, you are going to be sorely disappointed. Through the porn narrative lens D/s lifestyles seem to be all about wearing masks, everything begins and ends with role play. While there is a huge space for role play, exploring various archetypes through BDSM play, there is also truth. Truth about who we are as individuals, truth about our wants, our needs, our darkest desires. This truth about who we are is absolutely vital in establishing a healthy dynamic. Without it, there’s not much you can do without A: getting bored and B: potentially getting hurt, hurting yourself, or hurting others. In truth, a D/s dynamic, be it casual play or 24/7 forces you to confront yourself in ways you might not expect.
Long-term Bondage
That cage you want to be locked up in, that’s not going to help you escape. It’s going to do the opposite. Que surprise, you’re literally locked in there with only yourself for company.
Long-term or permanent bondage can lead to incredibly powerful experiences for the receiver. During this time, for the most part, it was honestly boring. That boredom led to what I would call a couple of lightbulb moments. You have nothing for company but your thoughts. In the right headspace, this can be hugely liberating. I figured out an important career move while in that cage, and I also figured out exactly what was wrong with a relationship that had stalled at the time.
With caging and bondage, if you’re not in a good headspace, you can imagine how that might trigger a negative experience, which has the potential to be hugely traumatic for the submissive.
With this truth comes the reality of long term bondage: it takes time. A long time. It takes negotiation, training, patience from Dominant and submissive.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: in a Power Exchange, and in playing out our darkest desires and fantasies, there is indeed no escape. From yourself. I think if that’s why you are rushing headlong into this lifestyle, then you are letting yourself in for crushing disappointment. BDSM isn’t a magical cure for everything that’s going wrong in your life. It can help, for sure, but only if you enter into it with the right mindset. Only if you are prepared to look at yourself under the microscope and examine what it is you truly desire.
If you suffer from low self-esteem, yet have a genuine desire to submit, there is definitely a place for you in the community. But think mindfully about what it is you’re asking for.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. How have you confronted self-worth in submission or indeed your Dominance?
Maybe share an experience of long term bondage that taught you something about yourself?
Stay safe,
the Boi slave
Originally published at https://theethicaldom.com on March 20, 2022.
