Thinking about initiating a Total Power Exchange? Just do it! But slowly — The Ethical Dom
As with everything else in life, if you read the news all you ever hear is the negative experiences that people have had in the BDSM community. We get it. A: it sells stories full of drama and intrigue, and B: these people deserve to have their stories told.
However, what gets lost in all of that is the beauty that such relationships can contain. We’re not going to sit here and say that every member of the BDSM community plays by the rules, but it needs to be looked at from both sides. The other side being our side — those who enjoy a consensual and healthy relationship that swims in the waters of BDSM and TPE.
We had a few emails from people outside of the community this week. A small minority of those were, as expected, do-gooders telling us we were evil and twisted. But the majority of the emails were from average people living average lives (just like us) asking where to start with TPE. The answer to that is not easy, but we’re going to try and give you a few pointers. For the purposes of the exercise, let’s imagine that you have no experience in BDSM beyond the occasional unvocalized (yet heavily googled) fantasy.
Apply gentle pressure at the entrance of slave’s sphincter
You want to start by taking baby steps. Don’t rush. Sit back. Relax. Enjoy the process. Half the fun is in the discovery. And despite what you might hear, taking it easy does not spoil the fun. It isn’t any less sexy.
The Boss will tell you, he has heard so many horror stories from potential slaves who have been terrified at the first hurdles. And what they are terrified of isn’t in fact the BDSM scenes played out in the bedroom, but the complete lack of control, the idea that they are about to surrender all rights and choices and no one will be around to catch them.
Boss — Master Training 101: You must always be around to catch your slaves
Feel the hole relenting? Apply plenty of lube
The stripping away of slave’s rights should never be an overnight whim. A legitimate Master doesn’t take a slave off the streets one day and have it caged 24/7 the next. Don’t take the process lightly. Remember, the person having their rights and choices confiscated will become dependent on their Master very fast. When it is slave, it is natural for it to become needy.
Experiment with slave. Start with something easy but powerful. Clothing ticks both of these boxes. It can be as easy or as tough as you like, and indeed, as time goes on you can gradually increase the pressure and humiliation. You will learn a lot about yourselves and each other when you start initiating such dynamics. For a slave, as soon as its Master begins telling it what to wear, it will begin to understand Master as a more fully rounded human being. It will see what makes Master tick. Our costumes and the choices we make surrounding them are a key part of our aesthetic; beyond that, clothes are an important external marker that give away hints of our traits to the outside world.
The Boss has two mandatory uniform codes for his bois — one casual, one formal. Casual is shorts and white sport socks (top weather dependent, but preferably slave is nude from the waist up). It doesn’t take a smug slave to figure out what the shorts are all about — The Boss is a leg man. There are other factors at play though, the shorts are about comfort, and no hiding behind elaborate costumes. The Boss wants slaves to be comfortable in between sessions of punishment and pleasure, yet having a slave in scant clothing exposes it just enough to strip away any pretences.
Formal is black tie. No explanation needed that’s not obvious. The majority of slaves scrub up well in a suit. Black tie cuts out any danger of choice fatigue. Simple, elegant, and handsome if done right.
When you begin to choose clothes for slave, think about these basics first. Maybe you want your slave to be completely naked. If they’re comfortable with this then go for it; if not, start stripping away those layers bit by bit. Test things out. Maybe a standard uniform works for all concerned, maybe it’s better to keep mixing things up — choosing new outfits every day.
Feel free to get a bit more creative in the bedroom. The Boss isn’t really a full-on gear man but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to be. A tattoo, collars (one private, one public), and the occasional harness — that’s all he requires of his slaves to get in the zone.
Again, experiment. Maybe you find leather incredibly sexy. Maybe a rubber or latex body suit is more your thing. Give it all a go, find out what turns you on.
A finger or three first will loosen slave up just enough, but not too much. No Master needs a saggy hole
Next pick some more rights and choices to strip away from your slave. Permissions is one of the earliest steps to take. Slave must ask permission to perform even the most basic tasks, Master deciding if it is allowed to fulfil its most basic needs. Can slave eat, sir? Can slave go to the toilet, master? Mistress, may slave sit?
Within the asking of permission is where a Master can hold untold amounts of power, exerting a sadistic streak as little or as much as they want. In our House, just the very fact that The Boss can say no is usually enough, but then there are those times when a slave might ask to go to the loo, catching him at his worst (arguably his best). If he says no on a whim and slave has two choices: hold it in and meditate on the uncomfortable feelings stirring in its crotch, or piss on the floor and be forced to clean the mess up with its tongue before having its balls roped to the bannister… again.
As Master/slave you have free reign to be as intense as you like, but remember, building that intensity too fast can damage any chances of moving forward. Think about it like a two steps forward, one step back approach. An ebb and flow of pain and pleasure (mental and physical).
Now you can give the bitch-boi what it wants
How you handle punishment says a lot about you as slave. How you dole out punishment says a lot about you as a Master.
There are many routes you can take. Do you save punishments for those moments when your slave steps out of line? Do you dole them out on a whim? Do you set out a list of punishments to fit each individual infraction? The Boss would suggest this method can cause an issue. If slave knows what punishment it is about to receive, that could severely derail the point of the process. Slave should always be kept on its toes.
How to punish a slave is another article in itself. Actually it’s another series of blogs. Be creative. The Boss prefers household items as punishment tools. Sure, he has made a few purchases in his time, punishment gadgets are important. But sometimes the feel of a wooden cutting board on a wet slave arse can be just as powerful, if not more so than a bespoke paddle.
Is it ready to take the fist? Probably not, but it will be
Don’t jump straight into what could be seen as more hardcore BDSM styles of power dynamics.
Think about it like planning for any goal in your life. Break it into manageable chunks. And believe us when we say, the discovery part along the way IS fun. Starting out easy does NOT spoil the fun.
Look at fisting. Those of us who enjoy fisting got there through a long process of anal stretching. Invest in a set of anal training butt plus and dildos. Take you time to enjoy each level. Gradually increasing the size you are comfortable with. Remember that the back entrance is not an easy piece of kit. There are three sets of muscles you need to relax to get anything up there. Don’t be ashamed if you think it’s taking too long.
Before you jump into the good stuff, try some milder forms of BDSM, which are equally pleasurable if done right.
The first thing you need to establish as a Master is your slave’s pain threshold. One of the easiest, and most pleasurable methods is fire and ice. Again, take it slow. Start with soy wax candles and ice cubes. Try a bit of vicks on slave cock and balls.
It is easy for a Master to forget that they need to think about how comfortable they are. Intensity of feelings works both ways and Master needs to discover just how much pain they are comfortable exacting.
Check in with your slave — a note from the Boss
Masters, check in with your slave meat. Find out what it doesn’t like. Master’s disagree on this, but I see it as my duty to create an environment where my bois can approach me with any issue, any qualm or doubt on their minds. If they don’t like something they need to tell me. Does this afford too much power to a slave? That’s up for debate, but it is a vital part of our dynamic.
Look at it this way: if slave doesn’t tell you what is bothering it, what it doesn’t like, then it is dishonest. A lying slave is a useless slave. Useless slave is not productive, not receptive, will forever remain undisciplined by design.
Some might say that this affords too much power to slave, but I see it as a necessity. And beyond that, if slave doesn’t tell me what is bothering it, what it doesn’t like, then slave is dishonest. A lying slave is a useless slave. There is no place in my House for dishonesty.
A dominant must remember that while we fall down the rabbit hole with our submissives, it is our job to hold their hands. As The Boss, I am always present for guidance. Sometimes I need my slaves to guide me, and I can’t expect them to do that without making the process as mutual as possible.
Just fist the slave hole already!
Take it slow. Take things nice and easy. Work your way up to the heavier aspects of a TPE. Check-in with each other, and remember you can be friends beyond the Master/Slave thing. For the Boss and we slaves, friendship is vital to our success as a unit, a family. It’s through that friendship that we found respect for The Boss; it’s through that friendship that this dynamic will play out for the rest of our lives. You might choose a TPE for one night, or a lifetime, but the dynamic doesn’t change because of it. The dynamic is total, it can be exacting, but most of all, it may just be one of the most profoundly life altering experiences you ever have.
Be good,
Love, honour and obey
The Boss and his bois
Originally published at https://theethicaldom.com on April 21, 2021.
